Just thought we should have a few laughs in this Forum. So for a while I will be adding a joke in here about every other day. Feel free to add any that you have as well.

#2

One day Little Johnny heard a noise and peeked into his parents room to check it out. He opened the door to see his mom bent over the dresser and dad going at it behind her.

Johnny's dad saw him and gave him a little wink as Johnny closed the door.

After business was finished Dad went to check on little Johnny. He opened his bedroom door to find Grandma bent over the dresser and little Johnny going at it behind her.

Dad yelled, "Johnny, what the hell are you doing?!"

Little Johnny replied, "It's not so funny when its your mom, is it?!"

All the chips are mine. I have just been nice enough not to take them yet.

With us coming up on the last week of the regular season.  I wanted to thow in a football joke.

God asks Peyton Manning first: "What do you believe?"

Peyton thinks long and hard, looks God in the eye, and says, "I believe in hard work, and in staying true to family and friends. I believe in giving. I was lucky, but I always tried to do right by my fans." God can't help but see the essential goodness of Manning, and offers him a seat to his left.

Then God turns to Tony Romo and says, "What do you believe?"
Tony says, "I believe passion, discipline, courage and honor are the
fundamentals of life. I, too, have been lucky, but win or lose, I've
always tried to be a true sportsman, both on and off the playing
fields." God is greatly moved by Tony's sincere eloquence, and he offers him a seat to his right.

Finally, God turns to Brett Favre: "And you, Brett, what do you
believe?"

Brett replies, "I believe you're in my seat."

All the chips are mine. I have just been nice enough not to take them yet.

All the chips are mine. I have just been nice enough not to take them yet.

All the chips are mine. I have just been nice enough not to take them yet.

A Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin and, truth be told, he is
none too experienced either. On the wedding night, she cowers naked under the bed sheets as her husband undresses. He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring:

"My darring" he says, "I know dis yo firs time and you berry frighten. I pomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting... just anyting you want, you say. Whatchou want?" he says, trying to sound experienced, which he hopes will impress his virgin bride.

A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request. She eventually replies shyly and unsure, "I want... numba 69!"

More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he queries... "You want... Beef wif Broccori?

A police officer pulls over
a speeding  car. The officer says, I clocked you at 80 miles per hour,
sir." The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60,
perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating." 
 
Not looking up from
her knitting the wife  says: "Now don't be silly dear, you know that
this car doesn't  have cruise control." 
 
As the officer writes
out the ticket, the  driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't
you please keep  your mouth shut for once?" 
 
The wife smiles demurely and says,  "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it  did." 
 
As
the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector
unit, the man glowers at his wife and says  through clenched teeth,
"Darn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth  shut?" 
 
The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that  you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75  fine." 
 
The
driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it  on, but took it
off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my
back pocket." 
 
The wife says, "Now,   dear, you know very well
that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt
when you're driving." 
 
And as  the police officer is writing
out the third ticket the driver turns to  his wife and barks, "WHY
DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??" 
 
The  officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk  to you this way, Ma'am?"  

A male patient is lying in a hospital bed with an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. He is still heavily sedated from a four hour operation. A female nurse's aide appears to sponge his hands and feet.  

"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"  

Embarrassed, the young aide replies, "I don't know. I'm only  
here to wash your hands and feet."  
 
He struggles again to ask, "Are my testicles black?"  
 
Reluctantly, the aide pulls back the covers and raises his gown.  
She holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in her other  
hand, takes a close look at his genitals and says, "There's  

nothing wrong with them!"  
 
The man pulls off his oxygen mask and says slowly, "That was  
nice, but listen closely: Are...my...test...results...back?"

Just had to throw my two cents in:

A cop pulls a man over for a broken turn signal.

The cop looks in the car and sees a large collection of knives on the back seat.

"Sir," the cop says. "Why do you have all those knives?"

"They are for my juggling act," the man replies.

"I don't believe you," the officer retorts. "Prove it" 

So the mam jumps out of the car reaches in the backseat retrieves the knives and starts juggling. Just as a car passes with two men in it.

"Man," says the driver of the passing car. "I'm glad I quit drinking these new field sobriety tests are getting harder."

Buzz Reed

lucky7sales.com

All the chips are mine. I have just been nice enough not to take them yet.

A big city lawyer went into the country to hunt ducks. He shot one while walking along a fence and the duck fell into a farmer's yard. The lawyer went to retrieve it. The old, crusty farmer came out and asked, "What are you doing?"

"I shot that duck and I'm going to take it with me."

"No you're not. It's in my yard."

"Now, listen, I'm a lawyer and I know the law and I can get that duck legally."

 "That may be city law, but this is Midwest Ohio Countyside law. My yard. My duck. But you may have a chance. Here's how we do things around here. You wanna hear it?"

"Certainly."

"OK. I get to kick you as hard as I can in the nuts, then you kick me, I kick you, etc., and then whoever gives up loses."

The lawyer thought for a while, decided he was young and a badass, so agreed with the terms.

"Now, I git to go first," said the old man.

The lawyer nodded and got ready and the farmer gave a tremendous kick to his groin that sounded like a tree falling. The lawyer moaned and groaned for a good 5 minutes, and with sweat pouring off his brow and panting, thought of exacting his revenge. He arose slowly, took a deep breath and smiled in anticipation.

"Now it's my turn, you old bastard."

The farmer peered at him, snorted and grinned, and said,

"Aw hell, you can have the duck." 

 What do you call a psychic midget who just escaped from jail?

A small medium at large

Buzz Reed

lucky7sales.com

THE NEW HUSBAND STORE FOR WOMEN

A store that sells new husbands just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. You may visit the store ONLY ONCE!

There are six floors and the attributes of men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is however a catch: you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building.

So a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

1st Floor - These men have jobs. She goes to the next floor.

2nd Floor - These men have jobs and love kids. She goes to the next floor.

3rd Floor - These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking.

"WOW!", she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

4th Floor - These men have careers, love kids, are drop dead good looking and help with the house chores. "Oh, mercy me!", she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it." Still she goes to the 5th floor.

5th Floor - These men have careers, love kids, are drop dead gorgeous, help with the house chores and have a STRONG romantic drive. She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the 6th floor.

6th Floor the sign reads - "You are VISITOR 31,456,022 to this floor. There are NO MEN on this floor. This floor exists solely as PROOF that WOMEN are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store."

Coincidentally the new WIFE STORE FOR MEN opened across the Street.

It also has 6 floors:

1st Floor - has wives who love sex

2nd through 6th Floors - have never been visited.

All the chips are mine. I have just been nice enough not to take them yet.

AP, you have one sick mind.  But hey, if you didn't, then you would't be you!!!!

All the chips are mine. I have just been nice enough not to take them yet.

The Day the Penis asked for a Raise

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise
in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labor.
I work at great
depths.
I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or
public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark
workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work
exposes me to contagious diseases.

Sincerely,
P. Niss

The
Response:
Dear Penis:
After assessing your request, and considering the
arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the
following reasons:
You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep after
brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management
team. You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other
locations.
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and
stimulated in order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at
the end of your shift. You don't always observe necessary safety regulations,
such as wearing the correct protective clothing.
You will retire well before
you are 65.
You are unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your
designated work area before you have completed assigned task.
And if that
were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace
carrying two suspicious-looking bags.

Sincerely, V. Gina

There's a guy who lives in Ohio. One morning, he hears a voice in his head. The voice says,
"Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and go to Las Vegas."

He ignores the voice.

Later in the day, he hears the voice again.
"Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and go to Las Vegas."

Again, he ignores the voice.

Soon he hears the voice every minute of the day.
"Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and go to Las Vegas."

He can't take it anymore. He believes the voice.
He quits his job, sells his house, takes all his money, and flies to Las Vegas.
As soon as he steps off the plane, the voice says, "Go to the Rio."

He goes to The Rio.

The voice says, "Put all your money into a World Series of Poker (WSOP) entry."

He puts up his $10,000 and buys an entry into the WSOP.

He goes to his assigned tournament table.
The first hand is dealt and the guy is dealt AsAd.

The voice says, "Go all in."

He pushes his entire $10,000 bankroll into the pot.
Three players call.

The dealer lays down the flop which is 8h9h10h.

The voice says, "Fuck."

All the chips are mine. I have just been nice enough not to take them yet.

A busty blonde sat down at a table in a Las Vegas casino. "I hope you don't mind," she said, "but I play better when I'm naked." She then proceeded to undress. On the very first hand, after some heavy betting, she was head's-up in a monster pot. After the dealer turned over the river card, she flipped her hand over, jumped out of her seat and started screaming, "I won! I won! I won!" The dealer, flustered, pushed her the pot. "What'd she have?" the loser asked the dealer. "I don't know," the dealer said. "I thought YOU were watching."

All the chips are mine. I have just been nice enough not to take them yet.

1. The Seven Dwarfs were marching through the forest one day when they fell in
a deep, dark ravine. Snow White, who was following along, peered over
the edge of the steep chasm and called out to the fallen dwarfs. From
the depths of the dark hole a voice returned, "The Kansas City Chiefs are
Super Bowl contenders."

Snow White thought to herself, "Thank God... at least Dopey's survived!"

2. What do you get when you put the girlfriends of a dozen Jayhawk fans in one room?

A full set of teeth!

3. If you see a Sun Devil fan on a bike, why should you not swerve to hit him?

It could be your bike

4. Why are the Florida State Seminoles like a possum?

Because they play dead at home and get killed on the road.

 The Pope dies and, naturally, goes to heaven where he's met by a reception committee of angels. After a whirlwind tour, The Pope is told that he can enjoy any of the myriad recreations available.

He decides that he wants to read all of the ancient original text of the Holy Scriptures, so he spends the next eon or so learning the languages.

After becoming a linguistic master, he sits down in the library and begins to pour over every version of the Bible, working back from the most recent "Easy Reading" to the original handwritten script.

The angel librarian hears a loud scream, and goes running toward its source only to find the Pope huddled in a chair, shaking and crying.

"The R! They left out the R!"

"What do you mean?" the angel librarian asks.

After collecting his wits, the Pope sobs again, "The word was supposed to be CELEBRATE!"   
 

Buzz Reed

Electile Dysfunction : the inability to become aroused over any of the choices for president put forth by either party in the 2008 election year.

An Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars and she 
was a little irritated. 
 
She asked the teller, "Why it change? 
 
Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. 
 
Today I get hunat eighty? 
 
Why it change?" 
 
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations". 
 
The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people, too!" 

 Two ducks go on their honeymoon and stay in a hotel. As they are about to make love, the male duck says, ''Oh, we haven't got any condoms. I'll ring down to room service.'' He calls and asks for some condoms.

The woman says, ''OK sir, would you like to put them on your bill?''

''No,'' he says, ''I'll suffocate

Buzz Reed

I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16
or so. I went in to buy
a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this
beautiful woman
assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was
new at it.
She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one.

I honestly answered, "No, this is my first time."

So she
unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her
thumb. She
cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I
apparently still
looked confused. So she looked all around the store
to see if it was empty.
It was empty.

"Just a minute," she said, and walked to the door, and
locked it.
Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her
blouse
and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. "Do these

excite you?" she asked. Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do

was nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on.
As I
was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties
and lay down
on a desk. "Well, come on", she said, "We don't have much time."

So I
climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could
no longer
hold back and KAPOW, I was done within a few minutes.

She looked at me
with a bit of a frown. "Did you put that condom on?"
she asked. I said, "I
sure did," and held up my thumb to show her.

She fainted.

 A dying man smells his favorite oatmeal raisin cookies cooking downstairs. It takes all the strength he has left but he gets up from the bed and crawls down the stairs. He sees the cookies cooling on the counter and staggers over to them. As he reaches for one, his wife's wrinkled hand reaches out, smacks his and she yells:

"No, you can't have those! They're for the funeral!"

Buzz Reed

To Infinity and Beyond.