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Hey all

If you looking at this, its cause you need help, no problem i am here to help you all.

 

Top 5 Reasons you're ready for the WSOP
Last year the World Series of Poker had around 2500 players. Five reasons why you should be player 2501:
1) Really, 2500 players is no different from 250 $5 sit and go tournaments at Party, and you win money in those, like, all the time.

2) You have a pair of novelty sunglasses that would freak out even Greg Raymer.

3) You have bought every single poker book sold by amazon.com. On top of that, you have serious plans to read some of them. Eventually.

4) They say the WSOP is a collection of local champions, and you *bliamba*ing dominate your weekly home game. Of course, there was that time your 8 year old sister checkraised you with a set, and that other time she bluffed you with 9 high, and a few times where you just quit in anger after she cracked the aces you didn't raise preflop with, and that game where you thought you had a flush but your novelty sunglasses caused you to misread your hole cards and last week where you just didn't get any cards, damn it - but other than that, you dominate.

5) The buttoned-down working world just doesn't get individuals like you. This is your ticket out of their square-@ss world full of rules and responsibilities [and health insurance and retirement plans and regular pay, but man, don't forget those oppressive rules].

 

Top 5 ways to appear Pro
New to the game but don't want others to know? no sweat. Here's what you do:

1) Quote from Rounders every chance you get. Especially if someone asks you what you had in the hand that just ended. Be sure to say "i'm sorry John, but i don't remember."

2) Talk loudly about how the WSOP was better when there were only 800 players instead of 2000+. Instant old school cred!

3) Refer to poker pros by their first names only - instead of saying "phil hellmuth", just say "phil". this gives the impression that you actually know them.

4) Get a business card that says: "your name - poker player." Wait, no, even better: "your name - PROFESSIONAL poker player."

5) Lose a ton of money and act like it doesn't matter to you.

 

Top 5 ways to impress 3-6 players
Some of the toughest poker players in the world sit at B&M 3-6 tables. Here are some ways to earn their respect:

1) Wear sunglasses and a hat, preferably a poker-related hat. Nothing says "don't mess with this guy" like a party poker hat.

2) Take a long time to think about every play. This lets players know you're not some jerk who makes snap decisions. even if it's 83o UTG, take at least 30 seconds.

3) Call at least 5 hands per hour down to the river even if you're pretty sure that you're beat. You can't let those pros push you around.

4) As soon as you sit down, ask the player next to you "how's the action been?" in a whispered tone. Whatever he/she says, nod knowingly.

5) Buy in for $500, all $1 chips, and play right out of your rack.

 

Top 5 ways to impress people in chat
Now you know how to impress players in live play. But people can't see your sunglasses and hat when you play online, so what can you do? one word: chat!

1) Type in all capitals. This conveys an unmistakable air of authority.

2) Take any opportunity you can get to show off your knowledge of poker. Remember, knowledge is power, and you want to appear powerful.

3) Speed is more important than accuracy. Type as fast as you can and don't worry about stupid sh_it like spelling or grammar.

4) Everyone is impressed by profanity, but most sites have installed measures to block profanity in chat. You can doubly impress fellow players with clever workarounds like inserting spaces, underscores and non-english profanity.

5) ASCII art is the coolest thing EVER, especially when in the form of genitalia.

 

Top 5 ways to win at 2-4
1) Play every hand that looks pretty. It only costs two dollars before the flop and you could win a $40 pot.

2) Don't raise with aces. A hand that strong you want as many people in the pot as possible so you can maximize your profit.

3) When you hear that a draw has 20-1 odds, focus on the one time it will happen, not the 20 it won't. Think positive!

4) Read phil's book and follow his advice in the limit chapter TO THE LETTER. Remember: be an EAGLE, NOT A MOUSE

5) Fold a lot. Oh no, wait, I forgot this was humor